Epic Fail: The Adventures of Pimp Voldemort
by Sev's Egyptian
Summary: This is a story that my friend That Twisted Fairytale and I decided to write because we wanted a lot of laughs, and to make fun of various things in the series. Plus, the Snape is studied in his natural habitat! if you don't like it, meh, we had fun writn
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: We don't own Harry Potter or any of the characters in it, but, we do own Clarence Clearwater, and we're damn proud of it!

* * *

It was an ordinary day at Hogwarts, Snape drowning puppies in his cauldron, Dumbledore eating sweets, and of course everyone in the school was plotting a way to kill Harry. Down in the dungeons, everyone was awaiting Snape's arrival to class, trying to ignore the whimpering of puppies that seemed to echo off the walls. With a bang of the door, Snape had entered.

"Begin your potions, class." Snape snarled.

The entire class groaned. "Stupid ugly git…" Ron grumbled.

"Who dares insult me?"

The class grew silent. A cricket chirped… and was shot.

"It was him!" Draco pointed towards Ron wearing his trademark smirk.

Snape pivoted and slammed his hands upon Ron's desk, "Is this how you think I really look, how do you know that I don't just take this appearance to ward off rabid fan girls?"

An angelic glow grew around Snape as he transformed into Legolas; the entire class gasped, girls swooned, and Harry fainted.

Snape, or now Legolas, turned his glare on Ron, "For your insolence you must now pay the consequences." He said in his melodious voice, while raising his wand. "Tu procax!" He shouted.

The class watched in horror as against his own will, Ron began to sing. His throat began to glow and Legolas led the glow onto the table with his wand where he then stabbed it… repeatedly.

Acting on instinct, Ron screamed, but alas it was not his voice that he heard, but Hitler's.

"You monster!" Someone yelled out. "You really, really hot monster!"

"You dunderheads, do you really think I look like this?"

The class blinked in unison. Then, an eerie black fog surrounded Legolas and he emerged once again as Severus Snape. "Did you really believe that I would degrade myself to look like a prancing, fanciful elf?"

Muffled sobs broke out from the back of the room, and what everyone saw shocked them. It was Legolas, crying hysterically for Aragorn to save him from the evil man, then, he pranced off to a mystic portal that for some reason was sitting in the back of the room.

"Does anyone remember that being there before?" asked random Lil' Bobo.

* * *

Deep inside the dungeons of the Malfoy mansion a Death Eater meeting was being held.

"Silence my loyal whores," Lord Voldemort began, "I am the pimp of the harem; you do as you are told or so help me I will get my pimp cane out. We are here to discuss a new threat. Severus has brought to my attention that a rival group of prostitutes was seen in the area, featuring an elf with flowing blond hair whose gender is in question. But on a lighter note we will be practicing for the evening."

Suddenly the lights dimmed, and strobe lights came on; stripper poles began to emerge from the ground and upbeat music began to play. All at once the Death Eaters began stripping from their robes and started gyrating on the dance floor wearing slutty outfits. Then, from the pole in the middle of the room, Lucius, also known as Luscious to his friends and 'acquaintances,' appeared sliding down said pole in tight leather pants and a pink sequin tube top.

Watching his father shake his money maker from the doorway stood Draco and Narcissa Malfoy.

"Mother, why does father strip?" Draco asked.

Narcissa looked to Draco and replied, "Lucius strips because you came out the wrong gender."

"Then why does he drink mother?"

"Daddy drinks because you cry at night." She sighed.

"Mother… I cry at night because father's a whore."

"Sounds like a personal problem to me." She replied flatly, turning and leaving her son to watch his father give another man a lap dance.

* * *

Outside Hogwarts, a strange portal, much like the one in Snape's classroom, appeared. All of the teachers and students filed out to look at this strange sight. All of a sudden, figures began to emerge from the portal. insert Lord of the Rings theme music

"For Middle Earth!" The fellowship cried, as they charged towards the school.

Without warning, Death Eaters began to swoop in Delta formation from the sky. They landed before the shocked fellowship, whose were gaping at their sequin g-strings and hoe boots; the brothel raised their wands high, and yelled, "For the Dark Lord, our pimp!"

To put it plainly, the fellowship got pwnd, and during this whole ordeal, Remus imprinted on a vampire named Gracie, (A/N: this is for you Gracie!) thus ending the vampire-werewolf conflict.

Meanwhile, Harry is out in a field looking to the sky for wisdom

"Oh father, the school is being attacked by whores led by Lord Voldemort and Luscious Malfoy; lend me your wisdom and tell me how to defeat these prostitutes." Suddenly, clouds began to gather and take the form of a giant, majestic lion.

The lion spoke, "Simba, You have forgotten who you are and so have forgotten me. Look inside yourself, Simba. You are more than what you have become. You must take your place in the Circle of Life."

"…I'm not Simba."

"Fine, screw you then, I might have had really helpful advice, but you'll never know…jerk." And with that said, the clouds dispersed and the lion disappeared.

"Now what do I do!?" Harry yelled to the heavens as Draco walked by.

"Why don't you go cry to your mommy Potter, oh wait, you can't cause you don't have a mommy, because you're adopted!" Mocked Draco.

"Yeah, well at least my father was not a whore wearing a sequin tube top giving lap dances to other men!"

"How dare you bring that into this!" Draco shouted as he ran off crying

**Intermission**

We bring ourselves to view the Snape in his natural habitat, watch, as he stalks his prey, the young and naïve first year. See how he jumps from the shadows and ambushes his prey; their tears of anguish sustain him. Oh no, he's caught sight of us!

"Who the hell are you and why the hell are you following me?"

Oh dear, he sounds quite angry at us for invading his territory, we should back away before we anger him further, provoking him to defend his turf.

"I'm not a damn animal! Quit making me sound like one!"

Oh my, he's quite temperamental, it must be close to his mating season, causing him to become more aggressive as to ward off other male rivals seeking the females in his territory. Watch, as he pulls his lips back and snarls at us, in a clear display of intimidation and dominance.

"What I do in my private quarters during mating season…what the hell, I don't have a mating season… I'm not a damn animal! I'm leaving before you give me more reason to kill you." Snape growled as he stalked down the hall.

Now watch as he retreats to his shelter. Oh my, what have we here? A rare sight indeed, we are seeing a pack of female Hogwarts students following him, rather aggressively. Good heavens, those aren't students, those are…no, those are, those are, Fan Girls! They must have been drawn to him from his mating musk.

Oh, dear, this seems to be getting rather serious, they are mauling him, and, he seems to be overwhelmed. Oh, dear, they've over taken him and are taking him to what seems to be a broom closet, their lair. Who knows what horrors await the Snape who is most likely being ravaged by lust driven females, in heat.

**Nine Hours Later…**

We have been awaiting for the Snape to emerge form the lair of the females in heat. It seems very unlikely that after nine hours he will be able to walk. But wait! He just emerged from the broom closet, what vitality! He will surely bear strong offspring by one of these females at least, hopefully more for it seems as though the Snape is a very strong species.

But as he approaches, I can see that he seems to be…traumatized. What horrors he has gone through to produce potential offspring, much like the male praying mantis. We will now leave the Snape to tend to his wounds in peace. This documentary was brought to you by Clarence Clearwater.

"What the hell, you knew I was being raped and yet you didn't get help! What is wrong with you? While I'm not complaining that those were the worst hours of my life, they certainly weren't necessary!" Snape ran into his private rooms, slamming the door.

* * *

The sun was just setting beyond the Black Lake, and Hermione and Firenze stood hand and, gazing into each others eyes. (A/N: we don't promote bestiality or anything, nor do we recommend that you try it. If you even think about trying it, remember the guy who died from horse sex.)

"Hermione, I love you with all my heart."

Hermione sighed, her eyes glittering in the sunset, "Oh, Firenze, I love you too."

"Oh Hermione…"

"Oh Firenze…" She sighed as she leapt up on his back and rode off into the sunset. Far off into the distance, Firenze stumbled over a rock and fell face first into the lush grass. Getting back up, they continued eloping into the sunset.

* * *

Welcome back to the second installment of the Snape Documentary from the feeding grounds, where mating season has come to a close and the males can be seen roaming their turf in peace.

"You again, why can't you just leave me the hell alone?"

Uh oh, it seems that he has spotted us again, we shall have to resume filming at a further distance, as to not disturb him.

"Like hell you will, get that damn camera away from me before I break it and your face, can't you just let me eat my breakfast in peace?"

It seems that the male Snape is quite protective of his food, and like all males, is not willing to share. Oh my, here comes another male, quite older than the Snape, let's see how they interact with each other.

"Dumbledore, why is this ignorant buffoon following me around, and further more, how the hell did he get into the castle in the first place?"

"Why I let him in of course! I thought that it would be something fun and exciting for the castle; he's going to do documentaries on us all! Doesn't that sound fun!?"

It seems that the other male is the Alpha of the pack; therefore he is the one who makes the decisions. But, the Snape does not sound pleased with this decision, and may try to over throw the current alpha male, for he is younger and more virile than the elder.

"You know, even though I am not an animal, and I hate you…that is a very good idea."

Good heavens, it seems that the Snape has shed his winter coat and has grown a new white one, much like a Roman toga, and has picked up what seems to be a glowing stick in which to channel his rage towards the Dumbledore.

"Metamorphere in Dumbledorem!"

It seems that the Snape has just uttered his battle cry, this challenging the Alpha male to a fight. And oh my, it seems to have an immediate effect on the other male, who has just been turned into a bumblebee.

"Boo!"

The Snape seems to have transformed the other male into a Boo Bee! We best leave to let the new Alpha adjust to his position of power. Signing off, this is Clarence Clearwater.

* * *

In a far off region of the world, at Beauxbatons, which was really not that far off at all, the Veelas were having a meeting. They had found out that they were not the only European brothel, for they had a powerful rival that had beaten the fellowship of the fanciful, prancing elves, the Death Eaters. (A/N: for the next part, see the bottom for translations.)

"Wir müssen die Todesesser vernichten!!" A loud roar of applause erupted from the crowd for their Führerin.

In fact, the Veelas were not French, they were German, and had fled Germany to France after their defeat in WWII, instead of South America like most of the Nazis; hence, the blonde hair and blue eyes.

"Komm, wir für Hogwarts im morgen verlassen!"

"Heil Fleur!" the Veelas said, standing up and saluting the traditional Nazi way.

The Next Morning…

The next morning, the Veelas came to the outskirts of Hogwarts, riding on top of eagles, where the Death Eaters were recuperating from their latest conquest.

"We challenge you disgusting men to a Whore Off!!"

Pimp Voldemort stood up and proclaimed, "We accept your challenge, bitches! May the sluttiest whores win!" (A/N: there is a reason they call him 'Lord' you know…)

And soon, the whore off began, where they were flaunting their goods for the world to see. Upon this strange and slightly disturbing scene came Ron, who still possessed Hitler's voice.

"Meine Schlampen, kämpfen!"

"Mein Führer! Wir wohnen für dich!" The Veelas shouted, with adoration shining in their watering blue eyes.

All of a sudden, both harems began to dance the Thriller by Michael Jackson, lead by their pimps, Lord Voldemort and Ron. In the midst of the song, Luscious tripped one of the Veelas.

"Hey, that's not fair, it's against the rules!" She shouted.

"Screw the rules, I have money!" (A/N: cause he's a whore)

Then, from out of the Forbidden Forest, Lavender Brown and the centaurs charged.

"Oh no, their forces are too great for each of us to fight alone, we must join forces!" Ron and Voldemort said in unison.

Lavender, driven by her sorrow due to Hermione stealing Firenze from her, had become the centaur's bitch. And with their combined forces, the Whore Alliance obliterated the centaurs and their bitch.

* * *

And we're back with the final installment of the Snape Documentary. Here we can watch as he bathes himself to keep his coat clean to impress the females of Hogwarts.

"What the hell?! How did you get in here? Who gave you the password?"

Uh oh, he seems to have seen us once more, quiet a clever creature the Snape, isn't he?

"I'm not an animal, this has got to be illegal, come on!"

He seems to be enraged by our presence; we'll have to tranquilize him in order to get close enough to tag him for later research.

"Why do you have a gun, what are those? Are those tranquilizer darts?! Jesus tap-dancing Christ, get away from me you mad man! I'm not an animal, I'm a…"

And with that final cry, our subject falls to the floor unconscious, in a blissful state of sleep. Now, we can place this tag on his ear, cleverly disguised as an earring, so we can track him for later research. This has been Clarence Clearwater, thank you for watching.

The End…?

* * *

A/N: now please don't think that we are anti-Semites, in fact, one of the writers is of the Jewish faith and in fact suggested that we make the Veelas Nazis. Also, if you truly enjoyed the Clarence Clearwater Documentary, stay tuned and review, cause we may post the Clarence Clearwater Series as a new story, featuring most of the Harry Potter characters, and a few from other animes.

* * *

Translations:

"Wir müssen die Todesesser vernichten!!" we must annihilate the Death Eaters!!

Führerin/ Führer leader

"Komm, wir für Hogwarts im morgen verlassen!" come, we leave for Hogwarts in the morning!

"Meine Schlampen, kämpfen!" Fight, my sluts!

"Mein Führer! Wir wohnen für dich!" My leader, we live for you!


	2. AN

Hey, this is a note from your spazzy authors! We would just like to tell you, that because Clarence Clearwater became a hit in this story, we have decided to make a new series of his documentaries, The Clarence Clearwater Documentaries. Look for our new story, we just finished the Malfoys, and mail us any characters you'd like to see appearing in their own documentary!


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